Ufology: The Invasion of Bell End

On a hot August afternoon in 1993, scores of young people gathered around the two large neolithic boulders just south of Bell End village. Within an hour, the gathering had swelled, and huge speakers had been erected.

Bell End resident Bob Bizarre remembers, “When we heard acid house music thumping across the fields, shaking the glass panes of our grade two listed homes, we knew the village had been invaded by an illegal rave.”

With the rave came drugs. “Tons of it,” continues Bizarre. “Ecstasy pills were being handed out among the ravers in buckets. Several elderly guests at Miss Haversham’s annual tea party had their drinks spiked. There’s nothing more disturbing than seeing a loved-up ninety-year-old granny with limited mobility dancing awkwardly to acid house. Then, when we thought it couldn’t get any worse, ‘they’ arrived.”

As the afternoon turned to evening, both ravers and villagers noticed strange lights gathering in the skies above. “Everything went eerily silent as several alien spacecraft landed in the fields around Bell End,” remembers acid house DJ Lord Chubby Cox III. “Our rave had been invaded by aliens.”

“Scores of aliens marched off the craft,” continues Cox. “They said they were from a planet called Chlamydia and demanded that humanity surrender because they had come to take over Earth.”

When DJ Cox told the invaders that no single person had the authority to surrender the whole of mankind, the aliens became agitated.

“They pulled out ray guns and threatened to blast us,” remembers Cox. “To try and calm them, I carefully dropped Close Encounters of the Third Kind by Little Green Men on the decks.”

“Of all the shit music we’d endured that afternoon,” continues Bizarre, “That was the worst. But it had a strange effect on the aliens. They started to dance.”

Stills from a long-lost VHS tape of the rave show several alien species dancing, DJ-ing, taking ecstasy pills, and happily engaging with humans.

“As the evening turned to night, all threat of invasion evaporated,” says Cox. “That’s the power of music and drugs.”

“… and Earl Grey,” interjects Bizarre. “The village brewed gallons of Earl Grey to keep the human and alien invaders hydrated throughout the night.”

By 4am, the energy at the gathering began to wane.

“That’s when Miss Haversham rolled out her classical LPs and took to the decks,” says Bizarre. “The sun rose over Bell End to ‘Morning from Peer Gynt.’ It was glorious.”

Thirty years later, the only clues to what happened that night are a small commemorative plaque nailed to one of the neolithic boulders …

“… and me,” says Tristan Gobblesnatch, owner of ‘Little Grey Alien,’ Bell End’s microbrewery.

“I got very wasted that night,” says Gobblesnatch. “I had fallen into a ditch where I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was afternoon, and my colleagues had already left the planet. So I was left stranded.”

After several years it was clear the Chlamydians wouldn’t return for Gobblesnatch, so he set up the microbrewery with Bob Bizarre.

“People see my alien face and think I’m wearing a mask. They think it’s part of the branding,” says Gobblesnatch. “But it’s real.”

“Or is it?” laughs Bizarre. “Some people believe the village was invaded in ’93. Some don’t. At this point, thirty-years later, the truth doesn’t matter. All I know is that if any of your readers are passing through the village, stop by the local pub and get some of our lovely Bell End juice down your throat.”